So, like roughly one third of the world’s population, I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. Not because it’s the Oprah Book Club book, as it happens, but because the women in my real life book club chose it. Briefly, this work is about transcending all that makes up our “false identity” - the script we run in our heads, our obsession with objects, our need for recognition - and letting our real presence just be.

I went into the book with a lot of resistance. Any time I’m told “This will change your life! And if it doesn’t, it’s because you’re not ready!” I’ve got my back up.

But, as sometimes happens, this is turning out to be the right book for me right now.

And of course, I find myself hoping that the lessons in the book that appear to be taking root will help make me a better mother. It is, after all, one of the most important jobs I’ll ever have.

An opportunity? The other day, I had the boys in the car, and Henry, 3, popped out with, “Are we going to CVS?” I answered, “Yes.” “Oh,” he said, sounding pleased, “so I’m right?”

I hesitated for a second, and then asked, “Is it important to you that you’re right?”

Henry’s turn to hesitate. Then he said something that I couldn’t quite catch, but by the tone, I think I caught his meaning, which was along the lines of, “OK, now she’s being a dick.”

So naturally, I told him that he’s not ready to change, his false self is creating resistance, he needs to be more aware of his pain-body…

Actually, I had a good laugh, the boys joined in, and we went up and down every aisle at CVS looking at beauty products, cheesy toys, and candy.

One book perhaps doesn’t a Zen mother make, but I hope when they’re grown, the boys give me credit for good intentions. And I hope my “false self” is at least fun to hang out with. In the meantime, I’ll keep striving for enlightenment!

Posted by MommaSteph.

The smaller the baby the sadder the adult? Researchers in Britain and Canada have released studies that show that lower weight infants have a higher risk of depression as adults. It was found that “…even people who had just mild or moderate symptoms of depression or anxiety over their life course were smaller babies than those who had better mental health.”

“Being born small isn’t necessarily a problem. It is a problem if you were born small because of adverse conditions in the womb — and low birth weight is what we looked at in this study because it is considered a marker of stress in the womb.”

Low birth weight has also been linked to diabetes and heart disease later in life.

Could anorexia be genetic? Studies on twins appear to show that male twins with a female sibling are twice more likely to become anorexic, possibly because of the exposure to female hormones in the womb. Researchers are hopeful to understand more about this so that they can work towards preventing this in the future.

“The one thing we are certain of is that there is a genetic disposition to anorexia, but at the same time this is not enough,” said Procopio, pointing out that if the eating disorder was due to genes alone, an identical twin of an anorexia patient would also have the disease, but this isn’t the case.

A magical fertility chair? Childless couples from all over are travelling to Naples, Italy where there is a church that is claiming to have a “magical chair” that will help fertility. It is the shrine of Saint Anna Maria Rosa Nicoletta Gallo, the first woman saint born in Naples over 200 years ago.

No one can explain why she helps fertility. Writings indicate that she carried the “stigmata” or wounds of Jesus. Whips on display are grim reminders of her “voluntary penance.” Buy hey, there are surely those who are trying to conceive who think “what can it hurt to give it a try…”

ABC news published an article that got me thinking about how we raise our kids. The article, written by Michael Pressman and Juju Chang, starts with the following statement:

Seven-year-old Samuel Boutwell is an outgoing and well-spoken second grader. He loves to play with his dogs and play soccer, but he loves something else even more. Samuel is a Baptist preacher at a church in his home town of Brookhaven, a small town in southwestern Mississippi. He also preaches outside in front of the local Wal-Mart, and has preached on the road in Virginia, Louisiana, Tennessee, Washington D.C., and the streets of New York City.

Amazingly there are more young children that are becoming the new generation of preachers. They teach congregations about faith and salvation, yet they have no idea how babies are conceived. Can you believe this? I find this really disturbing. They “heal”someone’s soul but they are not old enough to go to an R movie.

I have a seven year old. I considered myself a religious woman. We go to Mass on Sundays and we pray with our sons every day before bedtime. They believe in God and they know that prayers and faith can heal many painful moments. But I can’t imagine letting them preach to a congregation simply because someone said they have a great gift. In my opinion, if a family chooses to expose a child to religion, they should incorporate lessons to everyday situations. Seven-year olds should concentrate their efforts on finding out the truth about Spiderman or Batman and not about life and society. Parents, schools, organizations and sports help develop kids’ personalities and provide experience to shape out future adults. It should not be the other way around.

According to the article, some people argue that the child preachers are just following advice from parents and grandparents and that they are too young to understand what’s going on. What do you think is happening to many young actors today? They were the chosen ones, the ones that were going to make mom and dad proud. They were exposed to so many things yet they didn’t have the maturity or experience to make the best decisions. Young preachers are the same thing: they still don’t know what life is all about and yet they are forced to fill someone else’s shoes and do a good job.

I’m hoping that those around them get the courage and strength to let them be just kids. They probably have what it takes to be preachers, they just need to find out by themselves.

Posted by Momcrazyforkids.

I know that you probably read the title and thought: “Why is she talking about Halloween in September?” The truth is that every store here has costumes, candy, decorations and party supplies already. Halloween is a big celebration here and everyone wants to be ready for it. People are getting everything they need to get all dressed up and have a good time.

I spoke to a mother from school and she was mad about all the buzz people create around this holiday. According to her: “Halloween is just a mundane celebration that teaches kids how to be in contact with evil.” Her religion (I forgot to ask which one) does not approve that kids dress up in costumes or that they ask for candy.

I think Halloween is a celebration of childhood and make-believe. It is the perfect moment to be a kid and enjoy life. This is not just a celebration, but a special opportunity to make memories and push your kid to use his imagination. I’m Catholic and my kids go to a Catholic private school. They do not celebrate Halloween in school, yet my brother (who is a priest and a school principal) always invites us to his school “Dress up Party”. We always have a great time. I love to buy costumes for my kids, and I especially love their expressions when someone says: “Be careful with Batman.”

Many countries have traditions, songs and recipes for the holiday. Halloween is celebrated around the world! According to a Halloween information site:

So, although some cults may have adopted Halloween as their favorite “holiday,” the day itself did not grow out of evil practices. It grew out of the rituals of Celts celebrating a new year, and out of Medieval prayer rituals of Europeans. And today, even many churches have Halloween parties or pumpkin carving events for the kids. After all, the day itself is only as evil as one cares to make it.

I think that as always you chose what to believe: You can either teach your child to fear something that he does not understand and decide that Halloween is a sinful celebration, or you can get dressed up and have fun with them.

I chose number two. What is your decision?

Posted by momcrazyforkids.

The current issue of U.S. Catholic has a lovely piece by Mary Cleary Kiely that is specifically about her daughter Christina, who has Down syndrome, but which I found to speak eloquently to some of my own struggles as a relatively new mother. From the article:

Before we had her in our lives, for example, I didn’t understand that intelligence is not the be-all and the end-all of the universe. Like many people I valued intellectual capability very highly, perhaps because of its link to independence, that sacrosanct value of our contemporary Western society. The more I have seen the limitations of intellect alone and how easily it can be misused, however, the more I have come to appreciate our little girl whose wish for the world, expressed on a recent Martin Luther King Jr. Day, was that ‘everyone should have Popsicles.’

In a society increasingly obsessed with eliminating physical and mental weaknesses, frequently at the cost of the very life of the person so affected, while overlooking moral and spiritual deficiencies that are arguably much more serious, we would do well to heed the example of people like Christina. They remind us that we are all a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses, and that kindness and empathy and cooperation are the qualities that are most needed in our world.

This was a timely piece for me. I find myself getting tied up in knots over “school angst” lately. Do we send our boys to our local public school, which has limited enhancements? Or scrape and save and try for a scholarship at the expensive private school, which has excellent programming? Should we enroll them in the Catholic school one town over, with its traditional curriculum and strictly enforced discipline? Or do we keep them here, network with other families and develop a study plan specific to our boys’ intellectual strengths and weaknesses?

The key question front and center in my brain has been, “What will give them the most academic advantages?” The question I’ve been neglecting is, “What will help them become good people?” I still don’t know the answer. The public school would connect them, and our whole family, more into the community, which has a value I’ve tended to overlook. The fancy private school might help them better discover their gifts, but do I want them in an environment where, as a friend told me, the other parents “tend to notice what kind of car you drive”? (Not exactly a deal-breaker - if such snobbery exists there, it’s the sort of thing I’m more likely to find amusing than anything else.) The Catholic school would steep the boys in our family faith, but would such a homogeneous environment have social drawbacks? (This might sound odd, but when I was growing up, Protestants seemed absolutely foreign to me.) Homeschooling would offer lots of community outreach opportunities, but again, do I want my boys to be educated so far outside the norm?

How would my boys best learn the value of “kindness and empathy and cooperation”?

I’m still in a muddle, but I’m grateful to Ms. Kiley, and to her daughter Christina, for breaking the issue open a bit more for me.

Posted by MommaSteph.

Mad Dad: A 44-year-old UK father climbed to the roof of a building adjoining a family court and unfurled a banner declaring his love for his children after a judge denied him access to them. The man is a member of Real Fathers for Justice, a group that aims to highlight what they see as the unfairness of the family court system, which favors mothers in custody cases. The protester climbed down after five hours and was arrested by police.

Thanks, but no thanks: A lecturer at an Egyptian university issued a fatwa, or religious edict, that adult male and female coworkers could get around the Islamic ban on their being alone together through breastfeeding. Because breastfeeding establishes a maternal relationship, if a female nursed her male worker, the two would then be above any suspicion of illicit sexual activities. This edict, however, did not go over well, and the lecturer has been suspended. The Egyptian Religious Affairs Minister noted that fatwas, “should be compatible with logic and human nature.”

My 8 year old daughter made her First Communion this weekend. She was so excited for this day. To dress up in her white dress and veil, walk into the church with her friends, sing a solo during the mass, and party with family and friends after was something she has been waiting for weeks to enjoy.

The day went smoothly, and she sang beautifully. The mass was very well done with the 33 children taking part in every part of it. When the day was over, family had gone home, and the dishes were done, I tucked my daughter into bed, and she said, “All that practice and work, and the day is already over.” An interesting comment from an 8 year old, but one I made after my wedding. It went by so fast.

Her comment made me think, though, about the importance of spirituality in everyday life, not just for that one day, and what are the benefits for my children?

Every summer, once CCD is done and my kids have no “reason” to go to church, we get asked, “Why do we have to go…we don’t have CCD.” And we always give the same reason, “Because.”

Thinking about why we attend church, I realized my reasons were vague. Because I did, and I wanted them to have a good foundation to make their own religious decisions when they are old enough.  But what else does spirituality bring to them?

Some research suggests that spirituality affects your family’s health, reducing depression, improving blood pressure, and boosting immunity. I can see how there would be some validity to that. Especially in the elderly population.

One a more basic level, though, giving this some thought, I realized that by bringing my children to church regularly and incorporating “our” spirituality into our daily life, I am not only bringing some structure into their life, but I am also helping them answer some of life’s most difficult questions.

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We’ve gotten religion recently over on the boards. That is, there’s been much discussion just lately about why we do or do not currently participate in organized religion. So it was with particular interest that I spotted this article: Apparently, a study out of Mississippi State University concludes that children whose parents are religious have better social skills, self-control, and approaches to learning than their non-religious peers.

Sociologist John Bartkowski and his team interviewed the parents and teachers of more than 16,000 children, most of them first-graders, and asked them to evaluate “how much self control they believed the kids had, how often they exhibited poor or unhappy behavior and how well they respected and worked with their peers.” The researchers also asked the parents how often they attended worship services, discussed religion with their kids, and argued about religion in their homes.

The kids whose parents regularly attended religious services - especially when both parents did so frequently - and talked with their kids about religion were rated by both parents and teachers as having better self-control, social skills and approaches to learning than kids with non-religious parents.

But when parents argued frequently about religion, the children were more likely to have problems. Religion can hurt if faith is a source of conflict or tension in the family,� Bartkowski noted.

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Time to give up cussing, yet again. But this time, I swear, I’m really going to do it.

I’ve never been swayed much by the usual arguments against swearing. It’s intellectually lazy. (Ya think?) It’s offensive. (Who asked you?) It’s unladylike. (Oh, f*#@ off already.)

But now that my oldest is completely verbal, it’s past time to clean up my language. Granted, I’ve been pretty good about not swearing around the kids, but there have been slip-ups, especially when I’m driving, or when I bump my head (not unusual with me). And my two-year-old already uses my expressions frequently (how many times have I caught him threatening to put his little brother in time out?), so what’s to keep him from swearing? And on what basis will I be able to stop him if he does� Nope, time to find another way to relieve tension.

And yesterday I noticed that swearing actually has the opposite effect on me lately. As I was crawling on my stomach in the mud under the deck to “rescue” my toddler who had yet again gotten himself “stuck” (not really, it’s this psychodrama he likes to play out), seething, “If we don’t mother f*+#ing get this mother f*+#ing deck blocked off I’m gonna mother f*+#ing rip it up with my mother f*+#ing bare hands,” I realized that cussing was actually making my blood pressure go up and my jaw tighten. I was making myself angrier.

I don’t want to be an apoplectic person. I don’t want to be an angry mom. So at least for these forty days, when the mood hits, I’m going to breathe and try to notice how NOT swearing affects my mental and physical well-being.

If I need help, it’s nice to know I can turn to the Cuss Control Academy for tips on quitting.

And it’s nice to know that I’m in good company: Our friend Radical Catholic Mom is giving up the F word, too. Anyone else in?

Posted by MommaSteph.

Featured on a recent edition of ABC’s Nightline are Ken and Devon Carpenter, proud parents to eight kids, aged 1 to 15.  They are part of the so-called “quiverfull” movement, in which married couples welcome as many children as come their way and take no measures to prevent pregnancy, such as contraception or even the “rhythm method”.  The movement gets its name from Psalm 127, verses 3-5: 

“Children are a heritage from the Lord / children a reward from him/ like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man /whose quiver is full of them.”

But Mr. Carpenter insists that they are not out to purposefully have as many children as humanly possible:

“It’s not a contest,” he said. “For us, it’s about having as many as the Lord gives us, and being happy with that. If the Lord gives us more, great. If we are done at eight, that’s fine. Whatever He gives us. “

Quiverfull families have other traits in common besides large broods.  The father is the head of the household, while the mother’s job is to be, in Mrs. Carpenter’s words, “nurturing and loving and submissive to my husband and shepherding to the children”. 

Shepherding to be what, exactly?  Arrows in the army that quiverfull parents are building for God.  On a more practical level, though, Mr. Carpenter notes that the sons are to “find professions” and the daughters are to “learn to be mothers” and the movement will pass to another generation.

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