It does if you’re dealing with a difficult infant, says a new study published recently in Infant Behavior & Development.

Researchers rated couples on marital strength before the arrival of a new baby (for many of the couples, it was their first child) and then rated their “coparenting” skills and overall relationship when the infants were around 3 1/2 months old.

The results showed that couples who showed a good marital relationship before the birth seemed to do better when dealing with a fussy and uncooperative baby when compared to those couples whose relationship was not as good.

Couples who did not have a strong relationship were more critical of each other when dealing with a challenging infant.

While I wouldn’t have classified my daughter as a difficult infant, she did have a very trying period from about 8-10 weeks of age. Nothing I did made her happy sometimes, and it was so frustrating that I wanted to sit down and cry with her. She also had sleep issues until she was over 18 months old.

I was so grateful to have a partner who stepped up - and didn’t just take over. My husband has always been great with her and with knowing how to support my role as a parent without foregoing his own. He built my mommy self-esteem back up when it dipped, and showed me some techniques he was using with her that worked better than what I had tried - without belittling my efforts. We were, and are, a great parenting team, even when we’re not a model couple overall.

Additionally, a lot of what you learn from parenting together can be applied to your marital relationship. Learning and sharing alongside your spouse as a fellow new parent is a real lesson in partnership.

How well couples coparent can have long-lasting effects on their children, say the researchers. Children with parents who do not have a strong coparenting bond - even if one parent is fabulous with them - are more likely to exhibit behavioral problems.

One other kink: Coparenting strength and marital strength don’t necessarily match up, as I mentioned briefly above. You could be great together as parents, but only have a so-so relationship overall, or vice versa. This can also have detrimental effects on the children, as kids do pick up on these things (even when they can’t articulate or fully comprehend it).

Solid coparenting - or a lack thereof - also appears to be an indicator of later marital strength. (Interesting!)

Posted by Sunshining.

Did she drop a pickle jar? Actress Julie Bowen (Boston Legal) gave birth to a healthy baby boy last Tuesday after her water broke on the set of the TV drama. This is her first child. Ms. Bowen is married to real estate investor Scott Phillips. The couple named the baby, their first child, Oliver McLanahan. Dad reports that mother and child are doing well. Congratulations!

What does woman want? A new study published in the journal Hormones and Behavior finds that women’s preferences in seeking male sexual partners change with her cycle, and according to whether she’s looking for a short or long term partner. Fertile women tend to prefer more “masculine” male faces and body types, perhaps because of the perception that these men have more testosterone and will perhaps be better at producing healthy offspring.  However, non-fertile women are more likely to prefer more “feminine” males, possibly because subliminally they see them as more likely to stick around. Thus women looking for long-term partners are also more likely to find the “softer” males more attractive.

Rachel Sullivan, of Rachel’s Tavern, posted an interesting snippet from her dissertation on black/white relationships. The professor interviewed black/white couples and family members to gauge their attitudes toward interracial relationships. She notes that the major objection voiced by family members over black/white relationships was what would happen if and when the couple had children. Would the kids be black? White? Or neither, and therefore belong nowhere, “destined to lead a life of sorrow because of their social ambiguity”.

And there were other concerns. For white women in black/white couples, family members tended to worry that she would be viewed negatively if she were to be the mother of a biracial child.  For families of black women in these couples, the concern was how well a white father would relate to his black child, in addition to how well a biracial child would be accepted by the black community at large.

Professor Sullivan found similar concerns not just with extended family members, but with the couples themselves. Some were uncomfortable with the idea of having children with their partners, for reasons of race.

Well, no big surprise…For most of the interracial couples who already had children, the birth of babies made their families more accepting of their relationships. This was particularly true in cases where the baby was the first grandchild, and particularly in white families where opposition to the black/white relationship was very strong.

Some reasons for the softening objections:

• The grandparents desired a relationship with the grandchild.
• The grandparents developed a better understanding of racism in witnessing negative reactions to their grandchild.
• The black/white couple was now engaging in the “traditional family script” (i.e. having children), which presumably brought a sense of normalcy to their interracial relationship for their extended families.
• And finally, it’s much easier to be upset with adults than with children.

No question, family acceptance is no panacea against prejudice in the world at large (read some of the comments on Professor Sullivan’s post for some first-hand accounts). But the more people these children have loving them unconditionally, the better.� And good for the grandparents for letting those babies melt their hearts.

Side note: Andrew Sullivan (no relation, so far as I know) sees a parallel:

The same is true, I think, of gay parenting. In the abstract, some people have issues. When confronted with the reality of gay parenting, when you get to see and meet the actual children, so much fear and prejudice melts away.

Yes, kids are like that!

(For more on how these parents and extended family members actually identify their children in terms of race, check out the post. Interestingly, white family members�tend to consider these kids “biracial” while black family members see them as “black”. None reported seeing the children as “white”. Lots of historical and sociological reasons for this phenomena…)

Posted by MommaSteph.

Before baby…I can barely even remember my life as it was, but I know my relationship with my husband feels like it’s been hit by a freight train.

Not really looking for a book to improve my marriage, I came across the book Babyproofing Your Marriage, by Stacy Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone. The book, well written and witty, is a fast read with 300 pages, and offers a humorous approach to many common issues we face during parenthood.

Using real life examples, it take the Men are from Mars standpoint and explains how men and women are different and what we can do to foster those differences.

The book uses great analogies, suggesting many marriages end up on autopilot and become wilted houseplants, and instead of the “deep and meaningfuls” it becomes “time to make the donuts”…repetition and routine start to take over, and the marriage starts to suffer.

Midnight Chicken…I am pretty sure we have all played this game. At least I know I have. You know the scenario. Baby cries, and you pretend you are asleep…waiting for your spouse to get up with the baby. The authors suggest a routine be set up to avoid this…for example, if it’s before midnight, dad may get up, if it’s after, mom gets up. A good suggestion, and one I actually remember doing with my oldest daughter.

Most women I know with children have suggested that at one time or another, their sex life is affected by children. Many complain they are just too tired. This chapter of the book gave me a different feeling about this. It suggests that men take these constant turn downs as rejection, and ultimately, it ends up affecting the marriage.

The suggestion? One if them is the five minute fix…without going into too many details, it takes about five minutes of your time, you don’t have to undress, and your husband feels much better about his marriage. I think ummm….you know where I am going with this one.

This book is a must read for parents. Whether you are dealing with babyhood or older children, this book will give you a better understanding of your marriage.

Posted by Mally

Radical Catholic Mom was shocked recently to find that so many moms in her playgroup are the sole diaper-changers - even when both mom and dad are home. This is not the childcare model she and her husband subscribe to:

I don’t get it. Where is it written that because women are connected to their new babies they are responsible for the dirty diapers, even when their husbands are home. I made it very clear to my husband that if I wanted to be the sole caretaker of our daughter I would have had a child out of wedlock and never married.

I think RCM would be disappointed in our arrangement here, which is that we both change diapers, except I do almost all of them when we’re both home.� In truth, I don’t mind. It’s the cliche excuse, but my husband is a terrific, hands-on dad in so many ways that it’s fine with me that the diapers fall more or less in my column. (Though I admit, it gives me a tiny evil pleasure when one of the boys starts pooping just as I’m heading out the door…)

So I threw a poll up over on the boards. With 49 moms responding as of this morning, roughly 49% report that when both parents are home, dad changes the diapers around half the time. 35% of dads do change diapers regularly, but mom does most of them, and 14% report that dad changes diapers only once in a while. And one lucky mom has a husband who changes diapers more than she does.

Leah’s comment on why she does 90% of the diapers might ring true for other moms paired up with helpless (or faux helpless) dads:

It’s just easier for me to take the 30 seconds to do it, than the 3 minutes to talk him into doing it, the 5 minutes to coach him through it, and the endless, “Oh, I forgot to grab a clean diaper… Can you get it? Where are the wipes?!?”

And Corrine has a set-up that I wish I had thought of instituting in our family: She does the diapers, her husband cooks!

So…who changed your baby this morning?

Posted by MommaSteph.

If you could have your own bedroom, would you do it? More and more women (and I bet more and more moms among them) say yes today than at any other time since the Victorian age.

My first thought was, “But…I’m married. Shouldn’t I be sleeping next to my husband?” Then I thought of the constant snoring, the jarringly different sleep schedules we keep (he rolls into bed around 3 - works 2nd shift - and I get up around 7 for the day), etc. and I started to grin, envisioning my own private sanctuary. I could decorate it my way, sleep on a mattress I liked (ours is too soft, but he can’t sleep on anything harder), and have a place to retreat to in those rare quiet moments between toddler cries and “Honey, have you seen my…?”

Separate bedrooms could be especially nice for parents. Think about how great it would be if, when your new baby woke, only one of you had to wake up to tend him, instead of the other partner being jostled awake when you leave and when you return. The co-sleeping, breastfeeding mother could give her husband a full night’s rest while still keeping her baby with her all night long. (Or, the co-sleeping couple could take turns sleeping with the baby, assuming a bottle of expressed milk or formula was available to the father. Just think of all that extra sleep you could get on your night(s) off!)

But what about sex? Wouldn’t it feel rather frigid to not even sleep next to your partner? Not necessarily. One couple’s take:

The Peppers also say separate bedrooms have added spice to their relationship. “It’s more exciting,” Lana Pepper said, “when you can say: ‘Your room or mine?’ ”

I think that could put a lot of the romance back into the physical side of a relationship, which is especially important once kids are in the picture and time together - just the two of you - is at an all-time low. Your DH would actually have to approach you about it, instead of just rolling over in the middle of the night and grunting, “You wanna?” Could be fun!

The article does note that many men are not as keen on the idea as women, and that there’s still a bit of a stigma attached to the idea of a married couple sleeping in separate bedrooms. People may wonder if the relationship is troubled, when really it might be better than it has been in years, because both people are getting the rest they need, in their own personally crafted space.

Ok, now I’m jealous.

Posted by Sunshining.

I know few of us are in danger of finding any time to read parenting books of late. Therefore, I found John Rosemond’s critique of the spate of “niche” parenting books - raising your spirited child, say, or parenting in the blended family - reassuring. Apparently, we’re not missing out on anything particularly helpful:

Unfortunately, books on how to raise the (insert adjective) child and how to operate the (insert adjective) family abound. These books do not clarify anything; they confound. They add to the already overwhelming cacophony of babble that surrounds the relatively simple, straightforward, and commonsensical task of raising children, which is why raising children has become (all of the women in my audiences agree) the single most stressful and anxiety-ridden thing a female will undertake in her entire life.

Raising a child is pretty straightforward, Dr. Rosemond notes. You balance love and discipline to bring your child up to be a productive and responsible member of society. I’m a little resistant to Dr. Rosemond today, as he comes down pretty hard on late potty trainers like me, but I admit, that sounds about right. I’m not sure it negates the need for parenting tomes, but it seems to get to the pith of parenting.

What about family dynamics, according to Dr. Rosemond?

The First Rule of Family Living is that the husband-wife relationship trumps all other family relationships. Husband and wife should pay far more attention to one another than they do the children; they should do more for one another than they do for the children; their relationship should be more active than the relationship either of them has with any child.

Do more for my husband than I do for my kids? How is that going to happen, unless my husband suddenly forgets how to use the potty?

This model ain’t gonna work with very young kids in the house. And why should it? Babies and toddlers (and that’s all I’ve experienced so far) take up an enormous amount of energy, and require most of our waking attention. If my husband and I start spending our evenings gazing into each other’s eyes, one of our kids is going to figure out how to unlatch the front door and those two will be out of here.

And yet, I do know where Dr. Rosemond is coming from, and it’s a topic that’s been on my mind of late. My husband and I have been talking about going out again, having time just for the two of us, but we both know that’s not going to happen until we’re comfortable finding a sitter - and for us (mostly because I’m neurotic) that probably won’t be until both boys are fully verbal. But I have been making an effort to at least take more time to connect with my husband when we’re all at home and not make every communication I have with him about the kids. It’s a small step.

And I look forward to one day being able to shoo my kids off with “Go on out and play, you two, your father and I are talking/playing Scrabble/making violent love to each other.”

Posted by MommaSteph.

Journeys, a new line from Hallmark, consists of 176 new cards with text addressing a broad range of sensitive topics, from infertility (above), to cancer (”Your treatments….tough. Your spirit…tougher.”) to career crises (”I’m sorry you lost your job, but please remember that your job is not who you are. You have many great qualities, and that’s what really matters.”) to eating disorders (”"All I want is for you to be healthy healthy and happy with yourself. Please take it one day at a time until you are.”)

From the Associated Press:

Theresa Steffens, an assistant product manager at Hallmark, said a majority of online and focus group respondents said they couldn’t find what they were looking for when needing an encouragement card.

“Either the consumer said they were walking away from the display or they were just unhappy with the card that they purchased, so we saw this as a huge opportunity,” Steffens said.

Do tell.

If I am ever infertile, anorexic, cancerous, unemployed, or all of these at once, please, please, don’t send me a Journey. Write me a letter if you like, or pick up the phone, or make me a casserole and write the words “How can I help?” in green beans across the top. Let’s stem the tide of the canned sentiments, and save some trees while we’re at it.

(Via Daddy Types.)

Posted by MommaSteph.

That’s Gotta Be Awkward: Actress Bridget Moynahan is reportedly three months pregnant, and the dad is New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Sadly, the pair split up in December, and Brady is now dating Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen.

Please inform Mr. Brady: A researcher out of the University of Haifa School of Social Work interviewed 231 women and men between the ages of 22 and 32 and found a correlation between the quality of the father-child relationship and the ability to build an intimate relationship in adult life. The interviewees grew up as children of intact families, children of divorce, and orphans. Among the findings: “82% of the children of married parents reported being involved in an intimate relationship while only 62% of the orphans and 60% of the children of divorced parents did.”

Unwanted Hair? A study published in Phytotherapy Research finds that drinking spearmint tea can help reduce the androgen levels of women with mild hirsutism, a condition that results in masculine-type body hair.

Valentine’s Day came and there were many hearts and chocolates all over the place.� Kids took presents to their friends, lovers bought presents to each other, and co-workers shared chocolates and memories. They are all part of celebrating love and friendship.

The story goes that Valentine was a priest who celebrated marriages even if the law prohibited it and was sentenced to death for doing it. The legend says that upon his conviction he fell in love with the jailor’s daughter and wrote her a letter that ended: “From your Valentine”.

Today Valentine’s Day is celebrated all over the world. It’s a day where you can find happiness and sadness in the air. Some cherish and celebrate love while others get depressed thinking about it. Most of all, kids get the best part: they get to eat chocolates and candy all day long. But what happens after the holiday is over? Some people forget about love and go back to their routine while others remember the beauty of just that day.

As every year goes by people keep asking me what I got my husband for Valentine’s Day. When I tell them nothing I see the looks on their faces. Then I get to say what I say every year. We have been married for twelve years and expressing my love is a job for every day of our lives. I cherish every moment we have and I intend to keep expressing how happy I am for having him in my life. I can give him a gift whenever I feel like it and not just a particular day. I want my children to understand that love has to be present the 365 days of the year.

This year I made dinner, we sat down as a family and celebrated what we have: our three miracles… our boys.

Posted by momcrazyforkids.