I went to a huge family function Sunday (for a branch I haven’t kept up with very well), and was delighted to spot a distant relative who has always been a good friend of mine. But after the hellos and how are yous, I found myself grasping at straws to keep the conversation going. He doesn’t have kids, and I realized with dismay that talking about parenting stuff wouldn’t be nearly as interesting to him as it is to me.

No diaper disaster tales to exchange…no humorous kiddie anecdotes to trade…no parental angst to share…what else is there? Have I really fallen so out-of-touch with the non-parenting world? What on earth did I talk about before?

Then my brain shrugged off its lethargy, and I found myself asking him about his work, about his upcoming marriage, about his plans for the future. And he, in turn, asked intelligent questions about my life (and not just the kid part - about my own dreams and plans). We had plenty of catching up to do, and the hours flew by. What do you know - I am more than a mom, even when I don’t feel like I am!

In a few years, maybe we’ll be able to share parenting anecdotes, too.

Have you ever found it difficult to talk to old friends who don’t have kids, or does the switch from kid-centered to adult-centered conversation come easily to you?

Posted by Sunshine.

No, that’s not some plea for dirty comments.

The ’sex talk’ I mean is the ‘birds and bees’ conversation of old. You know, The Moment when you tell your kids where babies really come from, and how they get there. A new study shows that the big talk should really be more of an ongoing discussion.

“It’s important that parents set a foundation early on in talking with their kids about sex so that it becomes part of the norm in their household,” said study lead author Steven Martino, a behavioral scientist at RAND in Pittsburgh. “As children grow and have experiences, you want them to feel it’s natural to talk to their parents. When asked where they’d like to get their information, kids say from their parents more than anyone else.”

I don’t remember feeling that way as a teen. Hmm.

The study followed hundreds of teens and their parents. The families were divided into two groups. One group of parents completed a course in how to keep a discourse on sex and related topics open with your child; the other group did not.

Follow-up surveys were completed at one week, three months and nine months after the intervention began. The surveys were designed to assess 22 sex-related topics, such as the consequences of sex, how to make decisions about when to have sex, how to say no if you didn’t want to have sex, how well condoms prevent sexually transmitted diseases, and more.

[W]hen teens and their parents had more conversations — repetition — teens reported feeling closer to their parents and felt they could talk more openly with their parents about sex and other topics.

Go figure - the more you talk about something, the less taboo it becomes.

While I obviously haven’t been a parent long enough to encounter this situation, I can’t imagine making sex as closed-off a topic as it was during my adolescence. My parents basically told me, “Don’t do it before you’re married - premarital sex is a sin,” and left it at that. I didn’t follow their advice, such as it was, and I hope I can create a more informative, open atmosphere for conversations on sex when my kids are old enough to be curious. I’d love to not have to think about my kids having sex until they’re 40, but since that’s not rational, I’d still rather them come to me than shut me out.

Posted by Sunshine.

We’ve all heard that in order to keep our marriages strong post-baby, we’re supposed to carve out time alone together, roughly once a week. Book a sitter, put the cell phones on vibrate, and hit a restaurant or movie. The marital “date night”.

But new research suggests that merely spending time together may not be the optimal approach. Rather, we should spend time together trying new things.

Rather than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friends, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activities that they both enjoy, says Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The goal is to find ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship. The activity can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or something a little more unusual or thrilling — like taking an art class or going to an amusement park.

The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner. (They are also the brain chemicals involved in drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

Research in this area supports this theory:

In one of the earliest studies, the researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples. Using standard questionnaires, the researchers measured the couples’ relationship quality and then randomly assigned them to one of three groups.

One group was instructed to spend 90 minutes a week doing pleasant and familiar activities, like dining out or going to a movie. Couples in another group were instructed to spend 90 minutes a week on “exciting” activities that appealed to both husband and wife. Those couples did things they didn’t typically do — attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing. The third group was not assigned any particular activity.

After 10 weeks, the couples again took tests to gauge the quality of their relationships. Those who had undertaken the “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the “pleasant” date night group.

I’m in! Next step, come up with something new and different, and lure my husband out of the house…suggestions welcome!

Posted by MommaSteph.

Women and domestic violence. A very sobering statistic - it is estimated that nearly 25% of all women are victims of domestic violence. Over 1,200 women are killed and over 2 million are injured at the hands of their “intimate partner”.

Black women were more likely to report domestic violence than whites or Hispanics, but it was most frequent among multiracial, American Indian and Alaska native women.

Women of all income and education levels suffer such abuse, although it was more frequent among the poorest and those who attended but did not graduate from college.

And there are other impacts to these abused women - they are 70% more likely to drink to excess, 50% more likely to use a cane, wheelchair or other disabled equipment, 80% more likely to have a stroke, 70% more likely to have heart disease, and 60% more likely to have arthritis.

This is something we never envision when we fall in love with the man of our dreams. I know it is so much easier said than done, but if you do find yourself in an abusive situation, please have the courage to get help and get to a safe place. Especially when there are children involved.

Don’t be a meddling parent! With the newly coined phrase “emerging adulthood” we now see a lot of grown kids who aren’t ready yet to be grownups. And how the parents handle the relationship during this in between time can have a significant impact to their future relationship. The trick seems to be to not meddle too much - even though you might think your 20-something is not acting their age. If you push too much, they might just pull ever further away. I might need to email this article to my mother in law who still at times just doesn’t get it - even though her “child” is now 40!

My daughter was an easy baby, so when my son came along earlier this year, I was completely unprepared for the endless hours of screaming and crying that made up the majority of his waking hours those first few months. I thought something was horribly wrong with him - or me.

I mentioned his extreme fussiness to my pediatrician at his one-month and two-month appointments. I even told her that I wondered if it could be some form of reflux, since other moms on the board have dealt with that (and their babies had had similar symptoms). The pediatrician’s reply? “He’s just a colicky baby. There’s nothing we can do for him, so just learn to live with it.” Thanks for nothing!

At five months, I’m happy to report that he spends much, much less time screaming his head off. He’s actually a fun little guy to be around most of the time. Was it just colic, or should I have looked elsewhere when my pediatrician repeatedly gave me the brush-off about it?

Drs. Bryan Vartabedian and Barry Lester say that colic is often actually something else. Up to 20% of all babies are defined as colicky infants. Vartabedian thinks that up to sixty percent of those kids are dealing with reflux or a milk protein allergy.

Vartabedian, a pediatric gastroenterologist at Texas Children’s Hospital and author of the book Colic Solved: The Essential Guide to Infant Reflux and the Care of Your Crying, Difficult-to-Soothe Baby, believes that “colic is really a wastebasket term. Pediatricians use it when they have no idea what the heck is going on.”

He would like to see more parents push for a solution when the answer they’re being handed doesn’t seem right. A second opinion is never a bad idea, and I probably should have gotten one a few months ago in the midst of all the screaming. At least then, if “colic” is all they could tell me, I would know that it had been independently verified by another pediatrician.

A bigger problem is that entire families go untreated, said Lester, a professor of psychiatry at Brown Medical School and director of the nation’s only clinic designated for treating colicky babies and their families.

Two babies who cry for hours on end in two different homes may spur completely different reactions in their families. For one, the crying may be annoying but survivable. For another, it may send a couple to the brink of divorce, drive a wedge between mother and child and cause older siblings to act out.

It’s those cases that need the most medical intervention, he said, and not just from a physician.

At his clinic, every family has access to mental health specialists and treatment plans designed to help every family member cope better with the stress and strain that an infant’s colic puts on the whole family. I think that’s just about the most brilliant idea I’ve ever heard. My husband and I are just starting to rebuild our shredded relationship from the past few months. It is amazing what nonstop screaming can do to your mental status as well as to the way you treat even the people you love!

The good news is that even if it is “just” colic, it doesn’t last forever. There are colic remedies out there (several of which are mentioned in the article), so you don’t have to just accept that this is as good as it gets. Hang in there - it will pass!

(With thanks to Postpartum Progress.)

Posted by Sunshining.

I love my kids to pieces, but whoever told me that going from 0-1 was harder than from 1-2 was apparently from a planet where babies are born self-sufficient. Having two kids fairly close in age can be tough, even on a good day. Here are my tips for surviving those first few months (geared toward families with an infant and a toddler):

Consider sleeping in shifts. My husband works second shift; he’s rarely home before 2am. My son sometimes screams from 7pm-midnight. Six weeks ago, neither one of us was getting more than three or four hours of sleep, and we were both miserable. (That, and if he pretended not to hear the baby crying at 4am one more time, I was going to invest in a cattle prod and a branding iron!) We sat down and talked about what we could do to maximize sleep for both of us. Now, he takes the baby’s night wakings - I realize this may not work for breastfeeding mothers, although if your baby will take a bottle, you could perhaps pump in advance for overnight feedings) - and I get up at six or so with both kids. He gets up around noon and gives me an hour or two of rest before he leaves for work. We are both much happier!

Housekeeping (or not). With a newborn and another small child to care for, your house probably isn’t your top priority right now. Still, it’s frustrating to deal with a messy living space on top of everything else. You don’t have to spend a ton of time cleaning every day in order to get things looking decent again - take our Martini Challenge, courtesy of the new Domestic Divas board. A ‘Tini Challenge is a mini-cleaning project you can do in fifteen minutes or less, and new challenges are posted daily Monday through Friday.

Let your other child(ren) help. Small children get jealous of their new siblings and have trouble expressing those feelings, so you’re likely to see some acting out from them. That can be hard to deal with when you’re also juggling your newborn’s needs. I’ve found that if I can include my two-year-old daughter in whatever I’m doing with the baby, she’s less likely to pitch fits and is more interested in what we’re doing instead of focusing on the fact that Mommy isn’t playing one-on-one with her. She hands me clean diapers or his bottle (I leave it on her table once I’ve made it and go to pick him up) or a burp cloth, and she loves to choose his clothes.

Nip frustration in the bud. As soon as you feel that “ARGH!” building up inside, take a step back and consider the situation. If you just plain need a break, put the baby and your other child in safe places and take five minutes to regroup. Remember that a little crying won’t hurt anyone (including you - go ahead and let it out if you need to; you’re not alone!), and a quick recharge does a lot of good. If you’re calm, it’s easier to calm everyone else down!

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This one is twofold. Take people up on offers to watch a kid (or both of them, hallelujah!) for a few hours. More importantly, be aware of your own emotional state. Postpartum depression doesn’t always show up right away, and it doesn’t always manifest itself as sadness, anger, or destructive thoughts (though these are definitely signs, especially when they don’t go away or keep recurring). If you constantly find yourself feeling “blah” or numb/distant, even toward things you normally like, you may have PPD. Ask for help - call your OB. Admitting you need help doesn’t make you a bad mom - just the opposite, in fact! You deserve to enjoy your children’s childhood days as much as they deserve an emotionally healthy mom. (If you are having destructive thoughts - thoughts of harming yourself, your baby, or your other child(ren), please seek help right away!)

This too shall pass! As rough as some of these early days may be, it won’t be like this forever! Try to focus on the positives (your baby’s chubby legs, his first smile - even if it hasn’t happened yet, your older child’s abilities, etc.) and keep in mind that these days are fleeting.

Posted by Sunshining.

In every stage of our life we meet a lot of different people. There are some of them that go through your life unnoticed. But there are others that always have a place in your heart. There are special friends when we are young and there are other types of friends when we grow up. And some bonds that last a lifetime.

Motherhood is a very challenging time of our lives where we struggle with many things. Ask any mother and she will tell you that if she made it this far is because of those friends with children that understand how difficult it can get.

Motherhood and friendship have highs and lows. On one hand, you have the support and trust of somebody that is living the same experiences as you. She can relate to a temper tantrum or having a picky eater. She knows how many changes your body goes through and most of all she has patience to hear you out. On the other hand, there is competition. There are mothers that compare each and every single step of their child’s life with yours. You will always find those moms. Everywhere. The key is to be cautious and not let them get on your nerves.

My sons and I have developed great friendships during my years of motherhood. We all share a lot of things and we learn from each others’ experiences. MomSquawk has created so many friendships. We are from all over the world and yet we feel very close. We all share our love for our kids and most of all we feel like a very big family.

But you know what? I have not forgotten those other important friends in my life. They may not have come during this stage in my life but they sure have left a mark on my heart. They are not many but they know who they are.

Good friends are hard to find. If you found someone with whom you can pour your heart out and she still likes you, you have a great treasure on your hands. Be sure to keep in touch.

Posted by Momcrazyforkids.

Let’s talk about sex for a moment. I can list several “facts” about men and sex, but are any of them actually accurate about my husband or yours? Jay Dixit of Psychology Today examines some of the more common notions:

1. How often do men really think about sex?

Here’s a hint: It’s not every seven seconds. In fact, in a self-reported survey, less than half of men said they thought about sex even once a day! (I do call shenanigans on the 4% who said they didn’t think about sex even once per month, though. Uh-huh.)

2. Men want sex more than we do - a lot more (right?).

Well, yes, but it’s not really fair to hold that against them. New research shows that the instant a woman enters a secure relationship, her sex drive begins to plummet. Four years in, a German study found, fewer than half of women wanted regular sex. And after 20 years, only 20 percent did. In contrast, a man’s libido is apparently unaffected by whether (and for how long) he’s in a stable relationship. I’d be curious to see whether that libido suffers with the addition of children to the mix!

The third myth has to do with average size, and the fourth is HIV-related - I’ll let my curious readers explore those on their own, as they’re perhaps not quite as on-topic as the others.

The fifth and final “truth about men” deals with the length of the average encounter. Most couples do the deed in three to ten minutes - a far cry from the average of 40 minutes portrayed by the entertainment industry. Perhaps “minute man” isn’t as much of an insult as I thought, at least not when stacked up against reality. (I wouldn’t advise using it in conversation with any male you care about, though.)

Posted by Sunshining.

If you and your husband don’t use condoms, just maybe, says a researcher out of the State University of New York in Albany. Dr. Gordon G. Gallup has been looking at data that suggest that women who have intercourse without condoms are less likely to become depressed or kill themselves than those who do not have sex or who use condoms. In addition, women who do not use condoms become increasingly depressed as the time since their last sexual encounter lengthens, while no such correlation exists for women whose partners generally use condoms. The no-condom women also tend to be quicker to seek out new relationships when old ones end.

This suggests, notes Dr. Gallup, that the hormones contained in semen that may be absorbed through the vaginal wall, some of which are known to elevate mood, may be creating an addiction and subsequent withdrawal symptoms.

Gallup controlled for variables including method of contraception, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women’s perception of their relationship. He concedes that women who regularly have sex without condoms might share personality traits that make them less susceptible to depression. But the behavior most often associated with non-condom users is sexual risk-taking, and studies have found no correlation between high-risk sexual behavior and lower rates of depression.

It’s an interesting idea, from an evolutionary biology point of view. If women get hooked on semen, the species is more likely to survive. But my husband just laughed and called it a “guy study”. Well, maybe it’s both.

Posted by MommaSteph.

According to my latest issue of Redbook, couples have an average of 182 arguments per year, each lasting an average of 25 minutes.  When one’s relationship or marriage is in its first bloom, couple tend to make up in bed, whereas later on, arguments tend to be resolved with a quick apology. And the top reason couples fight� If you’re like me, you’ll guess “money”. Haven’t we read hundreds of times that this is the chief theme of marital conflict? But no…survey says…CHORES, followed by not listening, and too little action. (I can see how these three general themes would feed off each other.)

Well, no worries.  The practitioners of the Self-Determination Theory (”a groundbreaking psychological theory of human motivation”) have some helpful advice for couples:  When you do something for your spouse, be it vacuuming under the couch, or paying attention when he or she addresses you even if you are already multitasking to the breaking point, or pleasuring some of his or her baser needs - which I guess would all qualify as ” pro-relationship behaviors” by the SDT folks - do it because you want to.

Got it� Don’t engage in PRBs because you feel obligaged or pressured, but because you want to.  That way, you’ll feel closer to your spouse and more committed to your relationship.

Patrick says her research has practical applications. She sees it being used for individual and couples therapy. She says this new information gives couples and psychology professionals insight into why some relationships aren’t fulfilling even when everything looks OK on the surface.

“It’s important to understand what makes positive relationships positive and what might undermine positive experiences,” Patrick said.

OK, is it just me, or is that insight offered by the SDT people really unhelpful� No kidding, if my husband enjoyed putting his dishes in the dishwasher he’d probably get more satisfaction out of it, and he’d feel closer to me if that were the case, rather than having to listen to me fume in the kitchen. And sure, if I were some sort of pleasure android, programmed for action on a dime, it would probably be a Good Thing for my marriage.  But what’s the point� He doesn’t, I’m not, and we’re not likely to change.

The good marriages I see are peopled by spouses who love, cherish, and sacrifice for their partners. This means doing things that make their spouses happy without a stitch of self-motivation - or rather, the self-motivation is “I’d like to make my spouse happy.”  And in a well-oiled marriage, small kindnesses tend to be reciprocated, and the behaviors build from there.  If performing chores, listening, and having lots of action also happen to be things both partners enjoy, so much the better.

If not, and if there’s an imbalance in terms of who is doing more for the other, a fair argument to clear the air, followed by a rethinking of expectations (or followed by making out, I guess, if you’re still honeymooning), might not be a bad thing.

Posted by MommaSteph.