As my son will turn a year old this weekend, I’ve found myself reflecting back over this past year (what a year it was!). I think I learned at least as much from having two children as I did when I went through my first year with my daughter! So I thought that other moms of two might get a smile from some of the lessons I’ve learned so far, and hopefully they won’t scare any moms expecting their second child soon!

1. The tips and tricks you learned with your first child might not work at all with the second one. With my daughter, all I ever had to do to get her to stop doing something was to look sternly at her. My son has to be bodily removed from the situation. Things like that can be not-so-fun surprises, but it’s ok — you just invent new strategies, and then you have twice as many options for dealing with each kid!

2. Multitasking is your best friend. Don’t refill the sippy cup for one kid and then pop lunch for the second in the microwave. Get the microwave going, then fill the sippy in that 20-30 second window. It sounds stupid, but little timesavers like that can add up (and leave you not feeling quite so stressed by all of the little things that crop up when all you want to do is sit down and eat too).

3. The timing of milestones is just going to be different. There are a lot of factors at work. Boys and girls tend to mature differently and reach certain milestones at different times, for one thing. I also had to keep in mind, as my son did most things noticeably earlier than my daughter, that there was a month’s difference in their gestational ages at birth. He was born stronger.

4. You might have a favorite kid at any given moment — but it changes. I’m sorry to say it, but there are moments when I vastly prefer the company of one of my children over the other. Usually it’s whoever isn’t screaming or whining in my ear! It’s normal and it passes.

5. Yes, you can love each child as much as you loved your first when you only had one kid. And watching them interact (when they’re not trying to kill each other) is more than worth the rough moments.

Posted by Sunshine.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) just released findings that show that new mothers are choosing to breastfeed (at least briefly) in greater numbers than at any point since the mid-1980s (according to CDC surveys).

Experts attributed the rise to education campaigns that emphasize that breast milk is better than formula at protecting babies against disease and childhood obesity. A changing culture that accommodates nursing mothers may also be a factor.

Well, I can definitely assure you that the health department in my county has a strong pro-breastfeeding bent in the mandatory class for expecting mothers. I’m sure it wasn’t always that way, but they spend quite a bit of time covering the ins and outs of breastfeeding, pumping, what to expect, etc. — and they provide what seems like reams of papers on why you should consider breastfeeding your infant. I’m all for that, even if breastfeeding didn’t work for me with either kid.

And I’m happy if we really do have a more nursing-friendly community. I know my kids’ pediatric group has a “Please feel free to nurse your baby anywhere on our premises”-type sign in English and Spanish on their front doors. I think it does make a difference to moms caught between what they might do in an ideal situation and what they feel they have to do to get by in everyday life. (A big hats-off to moms who work full-time and EBF their infants!)

It’s good to see progress here. I know that for some mothers, breastfeeding just doesn’t work out or isn’t their personal choice, but it’s good for everyone when we can help people make an educated, informed decision about something so important, and to arm them with the knowledge, if they do choose to breastfeed, to have the most potentially successful experience possible. And our “helps” seem to be working.

Posted by Sunshine.

An interesting new study suggests that both a child’s temperament and the relative strength of the mother-child bond can affect the quality of conflicts (level of aggravation, for example) between moms and their two-year-olds, but had nothing to do with how often conflict arose.

Interactions between 60 mothers and their children were observed during two sessions — a 50-minute lab visit when the children were 30 months old, and a 90-minute home visit when the children were 36 months old. The Lehigh and University of California, Davis, researchers recorded details of all episodes of conflict, including whether mothers and children displayed compromise, justification or aggravation (simple insistence without explanation or threats), and whether there was a resolution.

In both sessions, mother-child conflict occurred an average of 20 times an hour, with a large degree of variation in frequency of conflict (from five to 55 times an hour) and the quality of conflict.

(Fifty-five times an hour?? And I thought my kid went on a button-pushing rampage some days!)

Researchers found that more active children who were less able to control their behavior had more instances of conflict than less active/more self-controlled kids. (Um, yeah…I have yet to meet a two-year-old with much self control.) Children who felt more secure in their relationship with Mom (mother’s availability and responsiveness, etc.) and their mothers were more likely to experience conflicts with adequate resolutions, not just “No, you can’t do that, end of story” and a subsequent fit. (Or is it that children whose mothers helped them find a compromise or helped them understand the reasons for a “no” feel more secure in their relationships with their mothers? Hmm…)

Posted by Sunshine.

So, like roughly one third of the world’s population, I’m reading Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth. Not because it’s the Oprah Book Club book, as it happens, but because the women in my real life book club chose it. Briefly, this work is about transcending all that makes up our “false identity” - the script we run in our heads, our obsession with objects, our need for recognition - and letting our real presence just be.

I went into the book with a lot of resistance. Any time I’m told “This will change your life! And if it doesn’t, it’s because you’re not ready!” I’ve got my back up.

But, as sometimes happens, this is turning out to be the right book for me right now.

And of course, I find myself hoping that the lessons in the book that appear to be taking root will help make me a better mother. It is, after all, one of the most important jobs I’ll ever have.

An opportunity? The other day, I had the boys in the car, and Henry, 3, popped out with, “Are we going to CVS?” I answered, “Yes.” “Oh,” he said, sounding pleased, “so I’m right?”

I hesitated for a second, and then asked, “Is it important to you that you’re right?”

Henry’s turn to hesitate. Then he said something that I couldn’t quite catch, but by the tone, I think I caught his meaning, which was along the lines of, “OK, now she’s being a dick.”

So naturally, I told him that he’s not ready to change, his false self is creating resistance, he needs to be more aware of his pain-body…

Actually, I had a good laugh, the boys joined in, and we went up and down every aisle at CVS looking at beauty products, cheesy toys, and candy.

One book perhaps doesn’t a Zen mother make, but I hope when they’re grown, the boys give me credit for good intentions. And I hope my “false self” is at least fun to hang out with. In the meantime, I’ll keep striving for enlightenment!

Posted by MommaSteph.

Childbirth classes may seem like a silly waste of time (how can anyone truly be taught how to give birth, right?), but they may be worth more to you than you think. The American Pregnancy Association gives these reasons why you should consider attending classes before the birth of your first (or next) baby:

* You will learn about options and methods to help control pain, including medications, massage, breathing and relaxation techniques.
* The information and experiences you share can help you feel more confident about your body being able to handle childbirth.
* Talking about your fears, questions and expectations with other participants can help relieve anxiety and better prepare you.
* The shared experience can help create a stronger bond between you and your partner.
* Taking a tour of the hospital where you plan to have your baby (often where the class is offered) allows you to become familiar with the environment, observe the staff and ask questions.

I didn’t take a childbirth class with my first baby, and if I had it to do over again, I just might attend. Although no amount of coaching/teaching can ever fully prepare you for your individual birthing reality, what you learn might be worth your time anyway, so that you go into the experience with a more realistic idea of what lies ahead.

Posted by Sunshine.

I went to a huge family function Sunday (for a branch I haven’t kept up with very well), and was delighted to spot a distant relative who has always been a good friend of mine. But after the hellos and how are yous, I found myself grasping at straws to keep the conversation going. He doesn’t have kids, and I realized with dismay that talking about parenting stuff wouldn’t be nearly as interesting to him as it is to me.

No diaper disaster tales to exchange…no humorous kiddie anecdotes to trade…no parental angst to share…what else is there? Have I really fallen so out-of-touch with the non-parenting world? What on earth did I talk about before?

Then my brain shrugged off its lethargy, and I found myself asking him about his work, about his upcoming marriage, about his plans for the future. And he, in turn, asked intelligent questions about my life (and not just the kid part - about my own dreams and plans). We had plenty of catching up to do, and the hours flew by. What do you know - I am more than a mom, even when I don’t feel like I am!

In a few years, maybe we’ll be able to share parenting anecdotes, too.

Have you ever found it difficult to talk to old friends who don’t have kids, or does the switch from kid-centered to adult-centered conversation come easily to you?

Posted by Sunshine.

I have never been a girly-girl. I used to be a tomboy, and even now I’m drawn to plain shirts and comfortable jeans more than cute skirts and more feminine blouses.

With my daughter, however, it’s a totally different world. I dress her in pink - a lot of pink! - and at least half of her spring/summer wardrobe consists of dresses. She has as many skirts as she does shorts, and lace, ribbons, and frilly bows show up as often as I can make that happen.

My family doesn’t understand this at all. To tell the truth, sometimes I don’t understand it either. Why am I not drawn to dress her as I dress myself? It’s not some deep-seated need to live a girly life vicariously through her; my grandmother and mom would have been only too happy to dress me that way if it had ever been what I wanted! And it’s not that I think that dressing her the way I do is the only way to present her beautifully; she is beautiful no matter what she wears or whether there’s dirt on her face and yogurt in her hair.

I suppose it’s partly for practical reasons that my little girl wears so many dresses. In the summertime, it’s the coolest option other than letting her go naked, which might not go over so well at the mall or the grocery store.

I do dress her in pants or shorts and a shirt for playground trips and other places where she might do a lot of playing instead of just walking or riding, and I’ll respect her wishes if the time comes when she doesn’t want to dress like a pint-sized princess. For now, though, I’ll let her wear lacy dresses and big bows, and love every minute of it.

Let’s face it: There’s just something sweet about a happy little girl twirling around in a pretty dress.

Moms of girls, do you dress your young daughter(s) the same way you were dressed as a child? Do you dress her more/less girly based on her personality, or on other factors?

Posted by Sunshine.

Thumbs down to the military. OK, I have to say that I am generally a VERY big supporter of our troops. So I guess I was just really disappointed to read how terrible their maternity benefits are. Women have only 6 weeks of maternity until they are back to duty. And within 4 months they can be deployed far away from their infants. Shocking to me. How can these moms breastfeed their infants?

The military relies heavily on women to meet their voluntary quotas. Without this, the “d” word (draft) starts to be whispered - something that I am pretty sure no one wants. What I don’t get is why there can’t be some kind of a compromise that allows women to be with their infants during that critical bonding period while still actively contributing to the military. The military needs to come up with some creative ways to accommodate this situation so that they can continue to encourage women to sign up.

Stress can contribute to cervical cancer. Most sexually active women will get HPV at some time in their lives. And most of them will fight it off without it turning to cancer. Doctors are trying to figure out why that small percentage of others aren’t fighting it off. They have found a link to stress and its impact to the immune system. They are not saying that stress causes cancer, but that immunosuppressed women have a higher risk, and stress is one factor that can play a part. This could also be another good reason to get vaccinated against HPV.

This year’s flu season is a bad one. Doctors are now predicting that the flu vaccine will only work on about 40% of the flu viruses out there (instead of 70-90% in “good” years). So please don’t only rely on that shot to stay healthy. As Mel just posted, be smart about washing your hands, eating well and staying warm. Try to keep the flu away from yourself and your children!

Yesterday, a friend (who doesn’t yet have kids) asked me if there was a particular moment when I felt like a mom for the first time - did it just “happen” as soon as I got the double lines on the pregnancy test, or what?

Of course there was a particular moment - and it was one of the most defining moments of my life.

I miscarried my first (unplanned) pregnancy around ten weeks. I had barely gotten my mind around the fact that I was pregnant, so I didn’t feel like a parent at all. I felt the loss, but not the motherhood I’d already walked into in some ways.

With my daughter, I didn’t feel very maternal for a long time. I loved this new little person growing inside me, but on some level it was still an abstract concept to me. That changed when we were sent for an ultrasound to measure my amniotic fluid levels, and the tech freaked us out by running for the doctor, who sent us straight to the hospital. We didn’t really understand until he told us that, among other things, if she rolled on her cord, she didn’t have enough room to get off of it, and she could die if she didn’t get out of there now.

Suddenly it wasn’t “the baby is” anything - it was “my child is in danger.” Over the next 22 hours, I went from passive observer of my pregnancy to mama bear mode, and when she finally cried that first ticked off cry, all was right with the world. My daughter was safe, and I was firmly entrenched in motherhood in every possible sense of the word.

Was there an equally defining moment for you, when you realized “Wow - I’m a parent!” for the first time? Squawk back and share!

Posted by Sunshine.

More news on the Children’s Health bill. Last week there was another vote to try to overrule George Bush’s veto of the proposed Children’s Health bill. The 260 to 152 result was not quite enough for it to pass.

At the moment in the USA there is a kind of no-man’s-land. There are families who cannot afford private health insurance, but do not qualify for Medicaid because they are not poor enough. The program is aimed at these very people.

Bush is vetoing the bill because he believes that it is too close to a “state-run” system similar to Canada and Western Europe. Currently in the US, our government spends 16% of our economy on healthcare, compared to Western Europe who spends about 8%. There are currently 50 million Americans without health insurance, comparatively all persons in Western Europe are covered.

As an American living in Europe, I have a view to both systems and there are pros and cons to each. I can see why the “European” system as it is probably would not work in America. I think what is bugging me here is that if this bill helps improve things in America, so what if it bears a similarity to the European system? It’s not the European system - so what is there to be afraid of if in the end this piece will work for America and it will help millions of children? I would be interested in understanding in a bit more detail why Bush decided to veto it, there surely is a better reason than that. And I am even more interested in hearing what the presidential candidates have to say on the issue.

What would you do? In a sad story (a warning to any weepy preggos out there) at four months pregnant, a woman in the UK found out that she had bowel cancer and she made the difficult decision to delay her cancer treatment until after her child was born. The baby was born at 25 weeks, and she began treatment immediately after the birth yet died two months later.

I would like to say that I would make the same decision, but to be honest I don’t know if I would be strong enough of a person. Her cancer was at an advanced stage, it would have been a difficult battle in any case. A tragic story all around. My condolences go out to her family. (And little baby Liam does look adorable in the last picture at the bottom of the article.)

Is she or isn’t she? After wearing a very flowy gown to yesterday’s SAG awards, the tabloids are yet again abuzz with rumors that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are expecting their second biological child. Some are even saying that she is pregnant with twins! Keep in mind, it was only a few short months ago that the same rumor was going around about Jennifer Lopez…