MILF-in-Training, Week 7
Down another 0.4 lbs. Not the biggest loss, but given my concerns about the accuracy of last week’s loss coupled with some errant behavior on Sunday (a sugar/carb laden brunch with booze — yummy!), I’ll take any loss I can get. I need to step it up a bit somehow, though — I have 4 weeks to lose 8 lbs to meet my team weight loss goal.
So, with everything continuing downward on the scale, let’s finally get back to that topic I wanted to talk about: wives who let themselves go. As a single, relatively fit individual (although I did have weight swings of +/- 15 lbs from time to time, and on the + side, the “relatively” part is generous), I’ll admit it: I held women who gained and retained weight post-baby in contempt. I didn’t understand how it could happen or why it happened, and thought it was shameful that it did.
Which, of course, is yet another one of the 4,126 things about parenthood that I didn’t understand until I got here. Yes, there are the obvious time and energy constraints associated with a life with small children, but I figured that if women wanted it bad enough, they could find a way to make it happen.
The funny thing is that I still think that: that if we want it bad enough, we can find a way. The part I didn’t expect was that I would reach a point where I didn’t really give a rat’s ass.
Let me try to explain the apathy by taking a look at my past. In the aforementioned +/- 15 lb weight swing, the - 15 lb body appeared without fail when I was either unhappy in or without a significant relationship. I don’t think I ever consciously thought during those times that I was heading to the gym on a path to catch myself a (better) man, but given the high level of correlation between the two, they are undoubtedly connected.
And then I found my mate. I’ve chosen well, so he loves me for those things on the inside far more than my external appearance, to the point where he’s obviously willing to overlook aesthetic flaws to see my (assumed) inner beauty (heh heh). This process, of course, starts out with something small — like they aren’t super repulsed by morning breath. Or the accidental fart in bed. Or the sight of a newborn’s bloody head protruding through some sort of bodily opening. And the envelope continues to be pushed… and through a series of baby steps, we’re ogres in comparison to our sexy, single selves. And while I’m sure that they’d love to have the sexiness back, they find it within themselves to love the ogre, since that’s who’s there.
So if attractiveness is about exactly that — attracting a mate — and you already have one who loves you… on some level, isn’t continued attractiveness a liability? (Crikes, am I Muslim?)
Seems like it would be, except that there are other reasons to be attractive other than to attract a mate — health, self-confidence and personal effectiveness, to name a few. The problem is that these other reasons aren’t nearly as immediate nor intoxicating as the giddiness associated with that split second when you realize the next Mr. Right is leaning in for your first kiss, and thus aren’t nearly as motivating.
For me, I’ve found my strongest motivation comes from wanting to model a better behavior for my girls. I want them to think of fitness and a reasonable amount of vanity to be something you just do, period — not because you’re worried about what today’s Mr. Wonderful might think, but because it’s an innate behavior like making the bed (which I also don’t do on a regular basis, but I’m working on it). I feel that this cannot be a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do lesson, and so I’m struggling to walk the walk.
But I wonder where — or if — I would find that motivation if I didn’t have girls. Similar behavior should be modeled for boys, of course, but I guess I see the father having the primary responsibility for that sort of lesson, given that I think it’s one of those things learned subtly. (I’m really interested to hear the thoughts of moms with only boys on this.)
So my follow up question to all of you — especially those of you who have really struggled with post-baby weight, and have been successful — where do you find your motivation?
August 19th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I have a boy and seeing myself in pictures with him I realized I didn’t want to be a “fat mom.” I know this may be silly but this was totoally my rationale. Kids have so many things to worry about and get teased for that I didn’t want to be the reason he ever got teased. I didn’t want to be the butt of any “your mama is so fat” jokes.
I also know that eventually my son is going to date and maybe get married and I would like him to get the idea that women should be happy with themselves and active.
August 20th, 2008 at 2:05 am
loving your journey, tx.
i have one of each - a boy and a girl. my daughter has a stocky body type and i am concerned already about her body image. i do feel it’s important for her to see me taking my health and fitness seriously and i hope that she learns from that.
re: my son - i think that my hopes are slightly different. he has a very different body type so my innate worries are not there. i think i moreso want him to make fitness a priority b/c it is a healthy way of life, and not necessarily a “body image” issue, kwim?
outside of those 2 points, i want to live a long and healthy life running and playing and being active with my kids. as a result, i will consider the time away from them and spent at the gym as an investment.
August 20th, 2008 at 2:18 am
The highest weight I ever reached was 200 pounds and that was about two months after I gave birth to Paul. I waited two months to weigh myself and when I finally did I nearly keeled over in heart ache. What finally did me in was when I was at a baby shower drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette a woman asked me when my baby was due. I went home crying. My Dh was supportive and told me it was the clothes (I was still wearing maternity clothes at the time) he sent me shopping and as I grabbed the size 14s I became depressed again to find out that they didn’t fit and I needed a 16. A size I have never seen before. I set out a plan. The first 20 pounds I ate normally but cut out the overeating and breastfed. The next 20 pounds I continued to eat and then exercised every day for an hour and a half. Usually in the evening to make sure I went to bed slightly hungry. The last 20 pounds I did with strict dieting only because I wanted to see that goal. The fact of the matter is I did it for me. I know that is what people say you should do it for but it is true. I love to be able to grab what ever I want out of the closet and not try on different outfits asking my DH “do i look fat?” I feel comfortable now. My DH is the main person who actually sabotoges my diet. “Don’t have a salad have something yummy” and when I do gain 10 pounds that is when I put myself on a diet again. Being Prague, I have gained 10 and have since curtailed myself. He says “you look fine” but i don’t feel fine and I know that those 10 pounds can turn into 20 and pretty soon it gets harder to lose. So the answer? I did it for me.
August 21st, 2008 at 8:34 am
Of course I’d love to fit in my pre baby clothes. After all, I can’t justify spending much $ on new clothes these days. I’m working out and on a diet. So far I feel great. My attitude and energy are awesome. I want my daughter to grow up in a healthy lifestyle. I am learning to eat healthy because I won’t give her junk. Junk foods and portions are out of control everywhere we go. At the same time it is expected of women and girls to be thin. I don’t want my baby to grow up struggling between the two. My husband and I are much older than our parents were having kids and I want to be around to a grandmother. I want my child to be health and happy.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:19 am
I have 2 boys (no girls), but they don’t really factor into my personal wellness plan…nor does my DH. I did stop smoking when I got pregnant, which was for 100% my son, but as far as subsequent weight and exercise management, I have to do it for me and me only or I wouldn’t be able to do it at all. If I used my sons as motivation, I’m sure I’d find a way to second guess it: “Do I spend an hour working out to be healthier in the long run or do I spend that hour interacting with them now?”
It’s pure vanity for me: I don’t like the look of myself with extra weight. For that reason, I bought a treadmill with my first pregnancy and begin jogging to keep the weight gain to a healthy level. It’s now evolved into a LOVE of outside running that I never imagined I’d have – it’s my time to listen to music and clear my head and I love how my body feels strong and healthy. I was such a couch potato before the treadmill and never exercised – to say I’m in the best shape of my life now is true, but it’s also not saying much since I could have only improved from where I began. Still, I am very proud of my dedication.
DH is a major fitness buff, so he may have rubbed off on me over the years, but he’s never pressured me to exercise.
I hope that the boys see how much we both enjoy our exercise and that they want to follow in our footsteps. DH’s imfluence on their fitness will, I’m sure, be more towards supporting the “sports” in which they choose to participate. I think with moms & daughters it can get much more complicated since you not only have to worry about the image of yourself that you present as a role model, but also the body image you help them develop.