Does parental protectiveness yield wimps?
At least one woman says it does. Hara Estroff Marano, editor-at-large of Psychology Today, claims that our heavily invasive parenting methods make life too easy for our children, who then don’t learn normal coping strategies. Then, she argues, when they do face problems down the road, they break down because they never learned to deal with the conflicts that arise in adult life.
From her book: Behold the wholly sanitized childhood, without skinned knees or the occasional C in history! Kids need to learn that you need to feel bad sometimes. We learn through experience, and we learn especially through bad experiences. Through disappointment and failure we learn how to cope.
She also states that parents rush to have their kids labeled so they can receive interventions instead of learning to work around issues, and that play is undervalued as a normal tool for social development (like learning self-control).
On that last point, we agree. The rest, I’m not so certain I buy. Yes, there are advantages to not giving your kid everything he wants; he learns patience and moderation. Disappointments are a normal part of life, and I don’t think kids should be shielded from every single one of them.
But I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t admit that I don’t want to see my kids hurting, even if I know it’s a normal part of life. It’s hard not to jump in and immediately fix everything. And where do you draw the line?
Thoughts? Are we really screwing up our kids by being too involved?
Posted by Sunshine.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I actually try to be a little old school on this one. (Much to my teenagers dismay).
I agree with you about fixing our kids when they are hurting but that is a lot different when they are 3 then when they are 15 and I am seeing the ramifications of giving a kid everything you possible could for so long.
It is now expected that I will clean bedrooms, wash laundry, be a taxi and jump to provide them with the latest technology.
What’s interesting is we can’t really afford to keep up with the Jones’s like we used and I am actually glad for it sometimes.
I really think kids need to be told no, and face a certain amount of disappointment to be able to handle life later on. I mean we certainly call their bosses and tell them to give them that promotion.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:34 am
LLLL, ITA about being old school on this. I definitely think that as a general rule, kids today are shielded too much from everyday ups and downs, and I think that does them a disservice in the long run.
Not only do I think kids need expectations that are clear cut and consistently maintained, but I think they need to learn from a young age that disappointment is (unfortunately) a part of life so that they can learn how to handle that when they are not in the comforts of mom or dad’s arms. They also need to learn that sometimes the answer is “No” and they aren’t going to perish if they don’t get what they want all of the time.
Now this does not mean I don’t step in and help them, nor does it mean that I say no to them all of the time. Far from it. But soon they will be starting school, and they are bound to within the first day experience something that is upsetting or disappointing to them. The last thing I want is for them to be so used to me fixing everything for them that they can not cope with the other kids or teachers at school. I know they will adapt either way, but I hope that by showing them at home that things don’t always go their way (and that that is ok!), the transition in the “real world” will be a bit easier on them.
As far as interventions and labelling go, having not read the full piece, I am not sure exactly what she says, but I think that for the most part, early intervention has been a positive thing, and I would most likely disagree with her on that point.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
I totally agree with this! I see it in the classroom every day… kids who have been praised constantly for mediocre work at home, who have never been told no, who have never had to lift a finger to help themselves. It takes me until as late as February to break some kids from the “learned helplessness” state they entered my classroom with.
Teaching Grade 1 has definitely taught me what I DON”T want my daughter to be like when she get to school. I don’t want my kid to be “that kid”… the whiner, the whimperer, or the tantrum-thrower. I receive dozens of notes and phone calls from parents every year about Kid A hurting Kid B’s feelings, about Kid A not letting Kid B play at recess, about Kid B not feeling “validated” in their feelings.
My husband and I have often talked about “china doll” kids. These are the kids who cannot sleep in a tent, travel without a DVD player, wear shoes from Walmart, or entertain themselves.
Parents need to think about where their child is ending up in life… and unless they intend to have their kids living in their basement for the rest of their lives, never working, marrying, or interacting with other adults, these kids need to learn how to deal with life “out there”.
Not to say I didn’t smile when a girl a year older than Samara told her to go away, and my husband told me he wanted to beat the girl’s dad up in front of her on their lawn.