Kids at funerals: yes or no?
My grandmother passed away this week, and due to circumstances beyond our control, my husband and I found ourselves with a less-than-ideal choice: take a baby and a 2yo to her funeral, or miss it entirely.
We’re taking them (and boy, do I have my worries about that), but it got me thinking about what other people feel is appropriate. Do young children belong at a funeral? Does it matter whether it’s open casket (this one will not be)?
For older children, parents might want to refer to this page for advice and guidelines. And the “experts” say that children as young as three can and should attend a funeral if the deceased was someone they knew and loved. They grieve too.
Here’s my survival strategy for my Nana’s funeral — maybe it will help someone else faced with the prospect of taking small children.
* Have a quiet, non-messy snack handy (and a ready-made bottle for baby, if at all possible — eating at a funeral might not be proper, but I figure the rest of the congregation would appreciate that far more than hearing my child scream because he’s hungry)
* Have a few quiet toys/teethers on hand (I have my daughter’s favorite coloring book and a picture book in the diaper bag)
* Explain beforehand, as best I can, what my 2yo can expect to see and hear, and what I expect of her (no yelling, no running around, etc.)
* Keep in mind that kids are still just kids, even in somber attire at a grownup event. Perfect behavior is just not going to occur.
* Be prepared to take the child out if it becomes clear that she is overwhelmed.
Posted by Sunshine.
April 28th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
From my experience, I would say absolutely YES to having young grandchildren or great grandchildren at the funeral or an elder who passed. We have had 2 of the childrens great grandmothers pass in the past 2 years and each time I found that the older members of the family especially were thrilled to see the children because firstly they lighten the mood a bit and secondly, they all remarked how important and calming it was for them to see the future generation and they remarked that the grandmas that passed would have been thrilled to see their future generations there… do not feel too bad about them running around and just being kids. of course during the ceremony you night have to take them away a bit if they have a moment, but during the reception you will probably find that they will be a focal point there… and that is just fine! People like to be reminded of the beauty of youth and not focus too much on death. Funerals can be awkward at times, and kids are a good conversation piece!
April 28th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I agree with the previous response. We recently took our 2 and 3 year old to a funeral and the get together afterward. the mother of the lady who passed away came up to me and thanked me for bringing them and told me that they made her smile and that it was the first time she has smiled since her daughter passed, so that was really special.
April 28th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
My condolences for your loss. I believe your Nana is in a better place.
Regarding kids at funerals… I was a little apprehensive myself when we took just-turned-two Alexandra to my DH’s grandmother’s funeral — but it really did turn out to be a blessing. She actually made a friend at the funeral home — another 2 yo girl — and they ran about and giggled, and while I was mortified that it was inappropriate, everyone reassured me that it was a wonderful thing to lighten the mood.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Thanks for the comments, ladies.
We actually did find that the kids behaved better than I’d dared to hope, and my daughter certainly lightened the mood at the reception, letting people talk to her and smiling at complete strangers.
Given the choice, I’d do it that way again (but I certainly hope I don’t have to for a very long time!).