I wish, oh I wish, that I could say that I was not a curser by nature. While I am certainly able to keep friendly, swear-free conversation most of the time, just get me in bad traffic, or see me stub my toe, or watch me fiddle with the broken cable television for the fifth time this year, and watch more colorful language pop into my mouth faster than an Altoid.

This behavior is not very flattering, but generally tolerable, when I am alone. With a two-year old in tow, though, when am I ever alone these days?

Like many parents with children who delight in parroting everything we say, my reactionary curse words have started to morph out of necessity. I typically start by yelling out the beginning of the offending syllable, then pause, holding still on the pitch, but not quite sure where to go next. As I come up with my replacement, my word becomes abnormally drawn out, as if I’m playing a movie of my curse in extreme slow-motion. I usually finish with a phrase to match my new word, as if I meant to blurt it out the whole time. Here are two recent examples:

“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamage control”

“Asssssssssssssssssssssk me a question”

Not following the pattern, but also a good one, is this:

“Son of a……Preacher Man!” (a la Dusty Springfield).

The best, though, came to me the other day in the car, my daughter’s favorite place to hang out. We were driving south on Lakeshore Drive in Chicago, and a car in the lane next to us darted in front of us, nearly side-swiping our vehicle. Out of nowhere, I yelled,

“Jackhole!!!”

Jackhole? Seriously? My brain managed to combine two phrases that share the same curse word, omit that word, and create jackhole?

I’ve heard that parenthood fosters creativity and “thinking on your feet,” but I had no idea that retooling swear words was part of the adventure.

What exciting new words or phrases have you developed to keep “tiny ears with big mouths” from repeating bad language?

Posted by korilu.