Bad ideas: Breast milk or death, and censoring the lactivist.
Wow, I thought I struggled with breastfeeding before failing (twice), but Laura Cook-Crotty puts me to shame in her Newsweek column defending the formula-feeding mom:
By the time I finally permitted myself to throw in the ol’ burp cloth, I had endured two cases of mastitis (an infection of the breast) caused by an antibiotic-resistant bug, emergency surgery, seven days in the hospital, endless hours attached to a breast pump, three weeks with a wound vacuum attached to my breast, a half-dozen consultations with lactation consultants from two hospitals and the La Leche League, and over a month of serious, agonizing pain. My intention is not to scare new moms out there, as my case was extremely unusual and most of my friends who have tried breast-feeding love it. The point I’m trying to get at is that even with all I endured, there were still experts who thought I should keep trying.
The last sentence in the excerpt interests me in particular. It reminds me of a discussion on an “attachment parenting” board I once frequented where the mother of an eight-month-old was so exhausted from her son’s continuous night nursing that she was having thoughts of suicide. You could count the number of women who suggested night-weaning on three fingers. The rest of the sympathetic moms chimed in with “Have you tried the Pantley pulloff? That should take care of it in about two weeks,” and “You know, you really need to nap when he does.” People, she was thinking about suicide! Would it ruin your street cred to suggest the father give the little nipper a bottle at night? Which is worse, losing some nursing time or losing your mother?
Anyway, my rant aside, what I found most interesting about this column is how I found out about it. Jennifer James over at Black Breastfeeding Blog took issue with the title of the column, which is “Formula Is Fine.” She penned a comment:
I simply stated that while bottle-feeding was her right as a mother, I thought the title of her essay was incredibly misleading as well as irresponsible. Surely, she could have thought of something more catchy than ‘Formula is Fine” because Lord knows, it’s not. Plus, just to throw a wrench in the conversation I asked what would she have done if formula didn’t exist? Would her baby have starved to death?
I have some issues with Ms. James’ perspective here. Here in the US, where we have clean water and top health care, when a mom cannot breastfeed, formula is fine. Yes, it’s not nearly as good as breast milk, and the formula companies use tactics to undermine breastfeeding, and that’s evil and bad, but in the end, baby’s gotta eat. And if there were no formula, this mom would have had to rely on other moms to feed her baby. Implying that the lack of formula would somehow have given this mother the wherewithal to push through the painful obstacles she faced is unfair.
But guess what? Ms. James’ comment never appeared! Apparently dissent on this issue is too hot for us formula-feeding moms to handle. Thank God Newsweek is there to protect us from getting our feelings bruised.
Posted by MommaSteph.
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:15 pm
Great Post Momma!
Aaahhh breastfeeding. I remember the tears. I remember feeling “less than” and “incompetent” and excluded and judged. Sigh. I have to express my continued bewilderment about the media driven new mother expectation and the harsh and accusatory judgment of strangers towards new mothers when the Pollyanna Madonna with child experience myth faces individual reality.
Two and one half years later I am still sensitive to the impassioned subject. I had more people interested in my nipples and milk ducts than I had interested in my mental well being. What happened to compassion? What happened to reassurance? What happened to empathy? What happened to support?
Jennifer James is out of line. Shame, shame, shame on Jennifer James for insinuating that mothers who want or need to feed there babies formula is tantamount to starvation. That comment is rude, insensitive, mean spirited and utterly UNHELPFUL. It is acceptable to feel passionate about the benefits of breastfeeding…it is completely unacceptable and unnecessary to spew despise and loathing to another mother for not breastfeeding, whatever her reason.
First time motherhood is complicated, frightening, emotional and unfamiliar. Thank you MommaSteph for being a kind beacon for those who are struggling.
www.expectingexecutive.com
June 24th, 2007 at 8:06 am
In my own defense I will say two things.
1) I wouldn’t call formula “fine”. It may be adequate, but fine — no, not even in the developed world. Sure, a baby isn’t going to die from being fed formula, but health risks do exist and that cannot be disputed. Calling the potential health risks for infants fine is, like I said, irresponsible and misleading.
2) The only reason I mentioned her child “starving to death” is to make a greater point: While breastfeeding was a pain and painful for her, it was by no means impossible and that is why the medical professionals continued to urge her to breastfeed.
It’s like a woman who wants to lose thirty pounds after pregnancy. When she first gets on the elliptical machine it’s fine, but the day after, her body hurts like hell. The woman knows she has to lose the weight, but instead of getting back on the elliptical machine she opts to down fat burners instead. Both will give her the same end result, but one is more healthy.
Look, I could care less how this woman fed her baby. I don’t know her. I will never know her, but she wanted to rant against breastfeeding mothers giving formula-feeding mother guilt and so I ranted back. If she dished it, she can take it.
I am all for personal liberties. Every mother has a choice to make for herself and her family. I do not take that away from anyone, but saying formula is “fine” isn’t right. Not even the formula companies themselves go that far. They may say it’s a suitable alternative, but not “fine”.
June 24th, 2007 at 10:25 am
What would have been a good idea was to take her and put her under general anesthesia for the pain and just pump her while she was sleeping.
I mean, she was making milk, it was just extremely, extremely painful to do so. What a horrible mother to give up like that!! Um, it’s called morphine!
I am so happy that her child has managed to survive on the death threat that is formula. She is so very lucky. Most babies just die.
June 25th, 2007 at 8:09 am
What a great post! I found myself singing “Amen” and “Hallelujah!”
Jennifer, I must ask you, do you think that all mothers, if they just work hard enough and are informed enough and get enough of the resources they need, can breastfeed?
I ask this respectfully, because this is truly where I don’t understand the “rant back.” My experience was one of trying everything possible—and I mean everything. We spent nearly a thousand dollars getting help, seeing doctors, lactation specialists, chiropractors, a monitrice. I drank every conceivable supplement to boost my supply. I pumped 10 times a day minimum, sometimes for 3 ounces of milk in a 24 hour period. I endured thrush. Twice. My beautiful daughter did not latch correctly, due to no known problems, for almost five weeks, and even then, she only latched for a few minutes.
I truly believed that any woman could “conquer” breastfeeding if they just worked hard enough, etc. I attended classes before the baby, I had a support system lined up, I even contacted an LC before giving birth so they were on deck. I felt like giving formula to my daughter would be a tragedy—yes, a TRAGEDY.
No one thing made me feel like more of a complete failure as a new mother than my inability to exclusively breastfeed my daughter. I cannot overstate how painful this was for me, and time and again, how painful I hear that it was for other moms. When my daughter weaned herself completely at five months (and even then we were supplementing), I felt both shame and relief.
As MommaSteph stated, I understand that formula companies aren’t acting in babies’ interests by luring women away from breastfeeding. I believe in the amazing properties of breastmilk, and of the breastfeeding relationship. All that said, I COULD NOT MAKE IT WORK. Other ladies cannot make it work, despite everything. I can no longer believe, because of my experience, that breastfeeding can always work.
Sometimes “fine” is the right word. Not optimal. Not great. Not what we’d hoped for. Just fine.
June 25th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Perhaps Jennifer James needs to reread the article. The mother didn’t just experience severe pain (though I don’t know how she could discount that as a true problem), she underwent SURGERIES and SEVERE MEDICAL PROBLEMS. Despite that, Jennifer James compares her problems to fatigue after a workout? It is this kind of sanctimonious attitude that causes such a divide between mothers. It’s a shame that so much judgment is thrown about on issues such as these when you would like to think instead of mothers supporting each other through the joys and difficulties of motherhood.
I was extremely excited about breastfeeding while pregnant with my first child. However, my child was only 5 lbs 2 oz at birth due to placental problems and he refused to latch on. I started to pump instead and continued to work with lactation consultants for six weeks after his birth. Eventually, we got him to latch on (at least some of the time) but his latch was so poor that in addition to my extremely painful nipples, he wasn’t stimulating my supply enough nor getting enough milk. I went back to pumping but when my son’s appetite increased, my supply no longer met his demand. I tried pumping every 2 hours around the clock. I tried pumping for up to an hour and a half at a time, resulting in severely bruised breasts yet only a few ounces of milk. I read every single breastfeeding book I could find, looking for some kind of “silver bullet” that would solve our nursing woes. Nothing helped to increase my supply. However, my son is absolutely thriving on his mostly formula diet with the addition of the few breastmilk bottles I can give him a day. This is despite the breastfeeding books’ insinuations that formula could kill my child.
I wish I could have the many hours I spent agonizing about our breastfeeding problems back so that I could have spent them more productively- simply enjoying and bonding with my amazing son.
June 25th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
I almost completely agree with you KL…with the exception that Jennifer James should reread the article. Clearly Jennifer James was not the intended audience for Laura Cook-Crotty’s article. You, Kori, MommaSteph, myself and others like us were the intended audience. That being said, I believe it would be entirely pointless to encourage Jennifer James to reread the article because I doubt that she would revise or soften her response. I agree that with you that the comments and conduct of women like Jennifer James create unnecessary division. For whatever reason, Ms. James seems to feel obligated to search out authors of well meaning articles as they relate to the personal efforts, challenges and self-acceptance as a new mother, and generate mean spirited, vitriolic responses in the name of infant mortality prevention. Again I say shame on her.
Ironically, in Jennifer James’ own “personal defense” (as submitted above) she says; “Look, I could care less how this woman fed her baby. I don’t know her. I will never know her, but she wanted to rant against breastfeeding mothers”. Exactly. She could care less about “this woman”. It is precisely that lack of interest, compassion and extended support for “this woman” that makes her irrelevant and downright irritating. Keep it up Jennifer and you will continue to alienate those whom you claim to be educating.
By the way Jennifer…Laura Cook-Crotty wasn’t ranting against breastfeeding mothers in her article but I don’t mind ranting in her defense.
www.expectingexecutive.com
June 25th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
I just wanted to mention that I enjoy Ms. James’ breastfeeding blog, and I certainly didn’t quote her intended quote as a personal attack. As much as I disagree with her, I could be persuaded that “Formula is fine” is an unfortunate headline, even for an opinion piece, in a major news magazine. And it’s bizarre that she was censored over there and her comment went into the cyberdump.
Nevertheless, it baffles me that some women who advocate for breastfeeding do not seem to accept that for some it just doesn’t work, despite really heroic efforts, or that the negatives for the emotional and physical health of the mom - and the baby - just outweigh the positives, period.
It seems a shame that this is such a polarizing topic, even among those of us who do agree that, bar none, breast is best. I have a suspicion that men would never face off this way.
June 25th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I can only go by what I was given. The author wrote the following:
“The point I’m trying to get at is that even with all I endured, there were still experts who thought I should keep trying.”
She wrote experts (plural) which tells me that more than one medical/lactation professional concluded that she could have another go at it. Maybe she gave up too quickly? I’d understand her point if one “expert” told her to keep going, but more than one?
Expecting Executive: I didn’t start the division. The writer did by saying this:
“Don’t give me grief about bottle-feeding my daughter.”
She has as much right to gripe about “glaring” breastfeeding mothers as I do about her claim that formula is fine.
June 25th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
MommaSteph: I enjoy Mom Squawk as well. I don’t mind voicing my opinion and I don’t mind hearing dissenting views either. That’s what blogging is all about sometimes.
June 25th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
I must say up front that I have no offspring myself and have thus never attempted to nurse. However, I have talked a friend down from the ledge (figuratively speaking) where her incredibly painful, arduous, frustrating, and disappointing saga of attempted breastfeeding put her, tottering precariously.
Thus I did my research. I didn’t want to hand her a bunch of bull or cliche that she’d see right through. I wanted to be telling her the truth when I reminded her that it is not going to forever maim her child to have supplementary bottles, or even bottles alone. And I still believe this to be the truth.
Of course, technology cannot improve on, or match, Mother Nature in this matter, but it can be a patch when one is needed. Of course there are risks: food sensitivities, susceptibility to illness due to lack of antibodies from Mama, allergies, lower IQ (though at present only a _correlation_ and not a _causation_ has been scientifically demonstrated), etc. But are the risks so extraordinary as to justify the alarmism about giving ANY FORMULA AT ALL FOR ANY REASON? Is formula “good for” babies? Well, it’s better than starving, no? Is a Snickers bar good for a person? If that person does not have access to anything better, yes! Keeping a body from starving is good. And no, Snickers aren’t “good for” your kid in the sense of superior nutrition, but I’ll bet they’ll eat a couple in their time. And they will be fine.
There are SO MANY FACTORS that influence a growing baby’s physical and psychological health, it seems imprudent to focus so exclusively on this one factor in isolation. For example, what is going to lead to deeper bonding between mother and child and to a child’s greater lasting capacity for intimacy in personal relationships: a mother who breastfeeds absent-mindedly (or even robotically) as a chore and obligation, or one who bottle feeds while holding, cuddling, speaking, making eye contact, etc.? (Of course I am not implying that most breastfeeding moms nurse in this way; I’m just posing the hypothetical to illustrate a point.) Part of the physical and psychological benefit of breastfeeding comes from the close physical contact between mother and baby. That contact can be achieved (or very closely approximated) while bottle feeding as well. The other part of the benefit is, of course, the qualities of the milk itself. Mother’s milk has mother’s antibodies, the right kinds of proteins and fats, and numerous nutrients (more if the mother is eating well, less if she is not), and it lacks the artificial and _potentially_harmful chemicals in formula. But consider . . . we live in a toxic world. That’s not to say it’s ok to give your baby toxic substances, but to remind us all that the mother’s body is not free of toxins either (from the chemically grown and processed foods we eat, the chlorine-laden water we drink, the methyl-mercury laced air we breathe, the medications we take). Baby can get toxins from mother’s breast, too. That’s why our bodies are all ingeniously designed to de-toxify themselves. True, we can overburden the body’s ability to do so, and disease results, but who is anyone to say that formula is SO DANGEROUS (not knowing anything about the other factors in play for a particular child) that it cannot conscionably be termed “fine”?
Suppose I cannot cannot cannot get breastfeeding to physically work, but I purify the air in my home, and use purified water and no chemical cleaners, and will eventually teach my child to eat fresh, balanced, organic meals and play outside instead of watching TV and . . . you get the Picture. How toxic is that child’s body going to be from a few months of formula? Unless that child has some very inusual sensitivity to particular formula ingredients, that kid is going to be—yes–fine. Especially if that child is loved and held and cuddled and played with and cared for.
And I’m not going to limit my blessing to only those mothers who have nearly killed themselves trying to breastfeed without success. I will also give my benediction (for what it’s worth) to mothers who, knowing their family’s own circumstances—which no one else can know in the same way—decide that some other good outweighs the good of breastfeeding. Like some mother who has to work and put her child in daycare where that child will be bottlefed with formula. What would be better: quit work to breastfeed your child and have no income with which to feed your child as she grows? Or bottle feed her and provide her with food, clothing, shelter, and education? Who is prepared to make that choice for another person?
Finally, I will commit the unpardonable sin of listing a distinct benefit of bottle-feeding. Whether this benefit outweighs the benefits of breasfeeding depends on the particular child, mother, family, and situation. But lets not pretend that there are NO upsides. The best thing about the bottle is that Papa (and grandma, or big sister, or cousin Sue, or friends) can feed the baby and bond with her! This lets Pops (or whoever) feel closer to the baby and the baby to him. The nursing experience does not have to be the exclusive domain of mother and child but can be expanded to the family. (Of course, this CAN be done with breastmilk in a bottle for those who are able, but not if mom’s supply diminishes or stops.) Alter all, the meaning of “to nurse” has more to do with care than with breastmilk itself.
All that (thanks for reading all this blather, you die hards) being said, I am planning to have a miniature human of my own in the not-too-distant future, and I eagerly look forward to breastfeeding. I hope for it, I long for it, I believe in it. But if for some reason it can’t work, I don’t want to be on the ledge with friends trying to talk me down from my sense of shame, regret, guilt, and worry. I will be a great mom in so many ways, and my child will be . . . fine.
June 25th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
CW, perfect, perfect, perfect.
I couldn’t agree more.
As a mother who both bottle fed (due to reasons I will not go into detail about but success alluded us), and breast-fed, I think women need to realize how sometimes it doesn’t work and your kid will be fine, sometimes more than fine.
I encourage women to bf, but I will never question a woman’s decision to stop. It is her right not to destroy her well-being, her mental state or her relationships. I support the mother and child equally, it’s all that matters. A child with a ghost of a mother and breast milk will not thrive. Period.
It’s a mother supplying the breast milk that matters, and barring that, a mother and a substitute is the second best scenario.
The worst case is a depressed, over-taxed, in pain, worn-out, defeated and guilt ridden mother. Pass the Good Start please and I will show you a happier child.
I believe in breast-feeding. I love it, studied it, and luckily had a child that was born to latch and suck. But living the other side, I am compassionate and all breast feeding mothers/advocates should be compassionate as well. It’s a shame some aren’t.
October 7th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
[…] would have preferred. I have participated in the breastfeeding discussion. I talked about it at MomSquawk and I am a huge fan of Alex Elliot’s Formula Fed and Flexible Parenting and her blog posts […]