According to my latest issue of Redbook, couples have an average of 182 arguments per year, each lasting an average of 25 minutes.  When one’s relationship or marriage is in its first bloom, couple tend to make up in bed, whereas later on, arguments tend to be resolved with a quick apology. And the top reason couples fight� If you’re like me, you’ll guess “money”. Haven’t we read hundreds of times that this is the chief theme of marital conflict? But no…survey says…CHORES, followed by not listening, and too little action. (I can see how these three general themes would feed off each other.)

Well, no worries.  The practitioners of the Self-Determination Theory (”a groundbreaking psychological theory of human motivation”) have some helpful advice for couples:  When you do something for your spouse, be it vacuuming under the couch, or paying attention when he or she addresses you even if you are already multitasking to the breaking point, or pleasuring some of his or her baser needs - which I guess would all qualify as ” pro-relationship behaviors” by the SDT folks - do it because you want to.

Got it� Don’t engage in PRBs because you feel obligaged or pressured, but because you want to.  That way, you’ll feel closer to your spouse and more committed to your relationship.

Patrick says her research has practical applications. She sees it being used for individual and couples therapy. She says this new information gives couples and psychology professionals insight into why some relationships aren’t fulfilling even when everything looks OK on the surface.

“It’s important to understand what makes positive relationships positive and what might undermine positive experiences,” Patrick said.

OK, is it just me, or is that insight offered by the SDT people really unhelpful� No kidding, if my husband enjoyed putting his dishes in the dishwasher he’d probably get more satisfaction out of it, and he’d feel closer to me if that were the case, rather than having to listen to me fume in the kitchen. And sure, if I were some sort of pleasure android, programmed for action on a dime, it would probably be a Good Thing for my marriage.  But what’s the point� He doesn’t, I’m not, and we’re not likely to change.

The good marriages I see are peopled by spouses who love, cherish, and sacrifice for their partners. This means doing things that make their spouses happy without a stitch of self-motivation - or rather, the self-motivation is “I’d like to make my spouse happy.”  And in a well-oiled marriage, small kindnesses tend to be reciprocated, and the behaviors build from there.  If performing chores, listening, and having lots of action also happen to be things both partners enjoy, so much the better.

If not, and if there’s an imbalance in terms of who is doing more for the other, a fair argument to clear the air, followed by a rethinking of expectations (or followed by making out, I guess, if you’re still honeymooning), might not be a bad thing.

Posted by MommaSteph.