Slate’s Dear Prudence received a letter from a reader who wanted advice on how to handle questions about her plan to not have children. In addition to giving her tips on her question, Prudence suggested that the woman reconsider her decision.

Whoops! Angry letters poured in from “childless by choice” readers who were offended by Prudence’s presumption. Her conclusion? “What is going on when there is so much scorn for parenthood - the way a society perpetuates itself?”

Scorn? Not so much. Having babies (within the structure of the nuclear family), breastfeeding one’s babies (but not in public), and staying home with one’s babies (unless you’re on welfare, in which case you should be working), are trumpeted as patriotic duties. Mothers are heroes. Until they screw up.

Jill at Feministe weighs in:

“Parenthood - especially motherhood - is fetishized like nothing else in this culture, to the point where imperfect mothers are routinely demonized. Not breastfeeding? You might as well stick a cigarette in the kid’s mouth. Teen parent? Your child is destined to be a criminal. Use daycare or hire a nanny? You self-centered careerist.”

And don’t have kids? Well then you’re the epitome of selfish - if you’re female, that is.

And of course, mothers make the best pushers. The other day I said to a new mother (very happy, had an “oops” at 38, will soon marry the father), “Life was pretty colorless before I had these two.” It’s natural to feel that way - motherhood has a way of changing your operating software - but actually, I had a pretty full life before children. I would never turn back the clock, but I’m not blind to the fact that, as happy as I am now, I gave up some important part of my identity when I decided to have children.

We don’t like to think of motherhood as an evolutionary drive. The idea that our babies came from a chance meeting of sperm and egg, and that it was all made possible because we gave off a certain “I’m ovulating” scent that caused our partners to find us irresistible (or in my case because I charted and apprised my husband of the timing issues), takes some of the gloss from the “motherhood as religious calling” archetype.

It’s a calling, sure - creating and raising a person, setting into motion all the chains of events that this new person will effect during his or her life is a mind-blowing responsibility. And sure, it’s fantastic, miraculous, and enormously fun.

But it’s not for everyone. And resisting the baby pressure when you know motherhood is not a good fit for you takes a self-knowledge and courage that I admire.

Posted by MommaSteph